i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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