u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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