i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
