There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
