You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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