i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
