need another drink. this is the easiest way
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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