he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
