Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
