I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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