I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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