p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
