im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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