No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
