Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
