I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
