He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
