i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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