your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
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