god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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