I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
