I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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