I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
