i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
