Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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