She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
