I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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