I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
