Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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