You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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