I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
