I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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