Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
