So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
