i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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