That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
