Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
