a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
