Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Boobs speak an international language.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
