I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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