whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
