If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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