just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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