Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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