Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
