No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
