This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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