At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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