do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
