Swine flu. Run for my life!
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Do vagina's smell?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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