I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
